Sunday, March 4, 2007

Michael Jordan sued for....looking like Michael jordan


When we were young ‘uns in fourth year and were all doing work experience, I spent a spell in the four courts, watching our legal system at work. I visited many different courts, including circuit courts, high courts, the special criminal court (the ones for the ‘ra dave) and even the supreme court. My personal favourite however was the Garda compensation court. There is something weird about compensation courts, mostly cause what they are attempting to do is to put a financial figure on an emotional or physical injury, surely no amount of money can make up for an injury or attack. . .right? Well there was one chappy in question, who while chasing some dastardly criminal hurt his knee. This left him with a sore knee and unable to play rugby with his pals as he told, he got awarded €64,000! Which if u ask me is heavily retarded. . .considering he was about 55 or 60 and was some fat old man whose main sporting activities were cow tipping and occasional wife beating. Another man of the law was bitten on the finger while apprehending a drug dealer, ouch! Not when its worth €64,000 though.


However while browsing through the news the other day I saw a story that really took the biscuit, and then ate it. Allen Heckard, a black male from Portland in the United States is taking Phil Knight (Nike Founder) and Michael Jordan to court in possibly the most retarded lawsuit seen by man. Mr. Heckard is looking for compensaton for emotional injury caused by the nasty pair. He plans on taking MJ down for

“defamation and permanent injury and emotional pain and suffering.”


Yeh of course, how dare Michael Jordan have the nerve to look like Michael Jordan! And also HOW DARE HE for becoming the best basketballer of all time!
He is also claiming that Phil Knight founder of the famous brand is guilty of

“defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the
most recognized men in the world.”

Damn right too, shouldn’t old Philly boy have checked first to see if any other people looked like MJ, like, it only stands to logic.
Mr. Heckard looks like Michael Jordan alright. . .well. . . kinda, he has a shaved head wears an earring and is quite fit. . .from playing basketball. He claims that when he is out, he is constantly accused of looking like the famous NBA hall of famer, despite being a half foot smaller than him. He is also awfully offended when, even on the basketball court the comparisons continue with ferocious abandon.

“Even when I go to the gym I’m accused of playing ball like him”

THOSE BASTARDS, who asked them anyway, next time someone compares you to the best player of all time, give them a smack and a piece of my mind, I mean that’s just a low blow. But perhaps the most incredible part of the story is the amount of compensation he is looking for. When I think back to the days spent in the four courts, I never really understood how someone could quantify in financial terms what was an intangible emotional feeling. However Mr. Heckard has found the formula for this, and it seems quite simple, I have a feeling in years to come we shall all be using this foolproof formula, and it will improve our compensation system beyond our wildest dreams.Well here it goes

“Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn
around and I figure that’s what it all boils down to”

. . . .Right, well, eh, there you go, words of a true genius, and with that formula it of course equals. . .yes, you have it 832 million dollars, believe it or not the poor creature after having suffered years of anguish is looking for compensation to the tune of 832,000,000 dollars, Some may call that ridiculously high, but think of the poor fella, he’s upset!Put in M&S hourly wage terms that’s about 68,954,593 hours of work, or just over 37000 years of working 35 hour weeks, I mean that’s a lot of moula. I’ve worked in M&S for a combined 2 years or there abouts. . . I don’t think I could do it to be honest. But what would I know I haven’t been through the trauma of looking like Michael Jordan.
On a serious note though if this lawsuit was to be successful (although it wont) it would open the floodgate for similar cases and would clog up our legal system full of sick, I mean even in our close circle of friends, Ronan could sue Frasier, Ronan’s dog could sue Frasier’s dog, Manuel could sue Antonio Banderes, Mullane could give Brian o Driscoll a legal dump tackle, and I could sue Brad Pitt, and we’d all be happy. Although an easy solution to this problem could be the introduction of the death penalty for frivolous lawsuits


We should all give praise to Mr. Heckard, the only person man enough to stand up against this type of abuse, he also exposes the weakness in our own sponging system here in Ireland, which need to be addressed urgently, and at the very least we must commend him for trying, and when in doubt quote the magical words “Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that’s what it all boils down to” (try your best to shoot that one down lawyers I think you’ll find its iron clad)(also how old is this guy? 832 divided by 7 is 118.85 - how can he look like a 44 year old Michael Jordan if he's 118?)

No comments: